ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
