well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
