please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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