just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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