Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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