4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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