Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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