I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
