someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
