is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
