I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Randomize
