Hey man sorry I got all grabby
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
