My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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