I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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