Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
