omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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