I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i used baking grease as lip gloss
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
