He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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