Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
