We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
