from now on my penis is your penis
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
