just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
