I can't breathe out the right side of my face
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
