my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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