At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
