I smell stomach acid.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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