He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
