its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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