Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
