Too much gin, very little bucket
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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