hotel room ftw
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
