The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
