I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
