I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
