She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
