So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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