Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
