On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
