Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
