spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
