someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
not ubering you a puppy
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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