You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
