I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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