It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
