Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
