and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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