seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
