awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
