She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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