Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
